I slept through the night and well into the next day.
My mind was foggy when I awoke, and it took a moment for everything to come rushing back. I winced as the memories of my hypnosis session took hold, and my first thought was of Rafe. I tapped into our bond. The tiny being was asleep, but I could feel the lingering stress and fear clinging to his consciousness. I cradled my belly in my arms, feeling a new depth of sorrow for causing my child pain—a sorrow beyond regret, sadness, or guilt.
The force and scale surprised me, and I knew I had to work on controlling the feelings I sent through our bond. Suddenly, I understood only too well why Sinclair held bad feelings back from me, and though I didn’t like being kept in the dark, I didn’t think he was wrong. In fact, I was glad my mate was far enough away that he couldn’t feel my fear and pain the previous day.
It would have affected him far more than it did Henry, and he already had more than enough to worry about.
I took a bubble bath, and as I rested in the steaming water, my pup stirred, fluttering in my womb and emitting a pulse of cautious energy.
He was still wary, still confused and upset by what he had heard and felt during my trance. “Hello, sweet pup,” I hummed, stroking my navel and wishing I could already rock him in my arms. “It’s okay; everything is okay.” I sent all the affection, solace, and calm I could summon to him, and he relaxed, his miniscule fingers clutching at the wall of my uterus as if he were reaching for me. I rested my hand on the opposite side of his, singing a soft lullaby and wishing I had a male’s ability to purr.
I think Rafe felt the same way, because a moment later he sent a fuzzy, half-formed memory to me—of large, protective hands and a deep rumbling sound, the thing that comforted us both more than anything else. A tug of longing accompanied the hazy thought, and I realized he missed Sinclair.
“I know, my love. I miss him too,” I shared, pausing my singing for a moment as I struggled to hold back my own longing. I wanted nothing more than to feel Sinclair’s touch, to hear his beloved voice murmuring comfort in my ear—even from hundreds of miles away. At the same time, I couldn’t bring myself to call him. If I did, I knew he would sense that something was wrong, and I wasn’t going to distract him from the war effort by making him worry that I couldn’t handle a few memories. After all, I had lived through these things; if I was able to survive them, then surely I could survive remembering them.
So I pulled myself out of the bath and got dressed, switching to a flowing maxi dress when I realized my maternity jeans were too tight to fit over my hips and belly. “Are you having a growth spurt, munchkin?” I asked my pup, excited and pleased that he was getting bigger and stronger.
“Just remember that Mommy is a lot smaller than Daddy, so don’t go getting too big, okay?” I added, remembering the birthing class where they told us to expect twelve-pound babies. I wondered if I would have grown into a taller, larger woman if my wolf hadn’t been bound, but I supposed there was no way to know now.
When I walked out of my room, intending to take my growling stomach down to the kitchens for a snack, my guards straightened up and puffed out their chests, as if they wanted to look as large and powerful as possible. It was a bit odd, but I didn’t think anything of their behavior until I got downstairs and felt all the eyes following me through the palace, and all the hushed murmurs circling in my wake. I caught a few snippets of the whispers, my heart sinking when I heard the words: “priests… her wolf was bound… so many years.”
Apparently, everyone knew what happened during my hypnosis, and as much as I wanted to curl up to hide from the scrutiny of so many strangers, I notched my chin up and ignored them. It wasn’t until I heard another snatch of speech nearer the kitchens that I realized their tones weren’t pitying or condescending, but reverent. “How did she survive?… Chosen by the Goddess… blessed.”
If I thought things would be better once I reached the service level of the palace, I was sorely mistaken. If anything, I drew more attention, and when I walked into the kitchens, I caused quite a commotion. At once I was being guided into a chair, and plate upon plate of food was being set in front of me, eager cooks and maids murmuring their admiration and asking me to name any dish or delicacy, promising to whip up whatever I desired. I smiled and thanked them, insisting I didn’t need anything special. Still, the head chef, an older woman with a no-nonsense attitude, refused to let me leave until I’d told her my favorite meal, promising to cook it for supper that evening. I obliged, then quickly retreated to the orphans’ wing. If there was anyone I could count on not to treat me differently—whether with awe or pity—it was Isabel.
She didn’t disappoint. As I entered, she arched a sardonic brow. “Well, if it isn’t Saint Ella.”
I smiled, feeling a rush of fondness for the prickly woman. This is why I liked her. She gave me no judgment, no pity, and no fawning. She saw me exactly the same way she had yesterday, and I needed that when I hardly recognized myself anymore. “Good afternoon, Isabel,” I greeted warmly. There was a baby wrapped in a sling against her chest, and I moved forward to admire the child. Sadie stared up at us with wide blue eyes, and I stroked a finger over her cheek. “How’s she doing?”
“She’s getting spoiled rotten,” Isabel remarked dryly, her tone masking the deep affection I knew she felt for the infant. “She always wants to be held and wails like a little banshee if she’s put down even for a moment.”
“What a lucky girl that you’re here to serve her every whim,” I teased, strolling around to check on the other pups. Even with the children we’d been able to foster with local families, the planes kept bringing more, and the nursery was growing too large for one woman to manage alone.
“We’ve had a few more volunteers from the city express interest in helping here. If you had more hands on deck, you could take turns with Miss Spoily there,” I offered, nodding towards Sadie and watching Isabel’s expression closely. Her eyes narrowed, and I added, “or they could free you up so you can devote your time to the pups who need the most attention.”
Isabel wrapped a protective arm around Sadie’s back, and I knew I’d read her correctly. She was clearly attached to the pup. “I’m not going to let just anyone come in here,” she countered stiffly.
“I would interview them,” I replied.
“That can be arranged,” I promised, grinning at a toddler who had just woken from his nap and was now standing at the bars of his crib, begging to be picked up. I pulled him into my arms, kissing his chubby cheeks. “Well, hello there, handsome. Did you have a nice nap?”
He giggled as I bounced him in my arms, but his laughter died away quickly, as if he were remembering something unpleasant. “I don’t like naps,” he whispered sulkily.
“Really?” I asked, making my voice sound shocked. “I love naps. Naps are the best.”
He looked at me curiously. “You take naps?”
“Of course I do, whenever I can,” I shared, studying his small face as his features settled into a frown.
“Mommy naps too,” he told me a minute later, looking grim but hopeful. “Is she here?”
“No, angel,” I sighed, cuddling him a bit closer. He leaned his cheek against my shoulder, sniffling softly. “Did you used to nap with your Mommy? Do you not like them anymore because she isn’t here to snuggle with you?”
He nodded pitifully, and I rubbed his back. I caught Isabel watching us with a look of abject despair, but she covered it quickly, turning away. “Well, I’ll tell you what. I know I’m not as good as your Mommy, but I’ll nap with you if you want.”
He nodded again, and I gave him a squeeze, trying to pour all the love in my heart into his small body. I felt a tug on my dress, and I looked down to find another pup hovering at my side. This one was a little girl, around four, and she was looking up at me like she wasn’t sure if I was real. “Can I nap with you too?” she asked shyly. “I have bad dreams when I sleep alone.”
“Of course,” I promised, soon met with a chorus of, “Me too? What about me? Can I?” I looked around at the other pups and realized they’d been listening all along, and they were all wearing similarly hopeful expressions. “I’ll tell you what, why don’t we make a nice big blanket fort, and every afternoon when I take my nap, anyone who wants to come cuddle will be welcome? How does that sound?”
A chorus of approval met my ears, and I sent the guards at the door to gather extra blankets and pillows. The little girl clutching my skirt said, “My big sister says you’re a Princess, and the Goddess sent you to us. Is she right? Is it really true?”
Isabel snorted at my surprised expression. “Rumors reach the nursery just as fast as they do the rest of the palace. Did you really think they wouldn’t know?”
“I am no Princess,” I told the child. “And I don’t know the Goddess’s plans any more than you do, little one.”
“She will be better than a Princess,” Isabel interjected, gentling her tone for the child. “When her mate leads his army back home and overthrows the tyrant, she will be Queen.”
I was taken aback by the firm conviction in her voice, as if she were looking forward to this future. Her icy gaze met mine, and I saw it was more than mere conviction; it was closer to a demand. I realized she believed in Sinclair and me; we’d given her hope when she’d wanted none, and now she was going to hold us to it. She wouldn’t stand for being let down, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.
If there were more secrets waiting in my past, I had to continue searching for them. I needed answers if I was to do right by Isabel and these pups, by all the shifters and humans suffering in this war. I wasn’t eager to try hypnosis or ether again, but I could be brave for them—if not for myself.