My nightmares were worse than ever the night after my second session with Leon. I woke thrashing, with Philippe hovering above me, shaking me vigorously. I shrieked and recoiled; he backed away, hands outstretched in apology. “It’s okay, I’m sorry,” he breathed. “I didn’t know how else to wake you.”
I gasped for air, trying to calm my racing heart. Rafe sent flashes of concern through our bond, and I immediately grabbed my phone, turning on the recording of Sinclair’s purrs.
“This is getting out of hand, Ella,” Philippe scolded, still standing over the bed.
“I’ve got it under control,” I insisted.
“You don’t,” he cut in. “And I can’t, in good conscience, let this continue.”
“You’re my personal guard, Philippe,” I reminded him sternly. “It’s a very intimate relationship, and there has to be trust between us. You hear everything I do, everything I say—whether I’m sick to my stomach or on the phone with my mate. This is a private matter you’re privy to only because of your position, and I have to be able to trust you won’t betray my privacy; otherwise, this arrangement won’t work.”
“I may be your personal guard, but I still answer to the Alpha, and he wouldn’t approve of this,” Philippe countered, crossing his arms.
“You also agreed to help us with the hypnosis behind his back,” I reminded him. “Now, do you want to tell him that I ordered you not to say a word about any of it and you obeyed out of respect for our relationship, or do you want to tell him you were fine with being disloyal to him only until you had reason to be disloyal to me?”
Philippe narrowed his eyes. “I don’t like you very much right now.”
“Right back at you,” I responded, clambering to my feet. “But I appreciate your honesty.”
He growled as I moved towards the door. “Where are you going?”
“To find someone cuddlier than you,” I tossed back over my shoulder, pulling on my robe and feeling thankful that I’d gone against Sinclair’s wishes and continued wearing pajamas while he’s away. Of course, I know he’ll be disappointed that I missed another dream date, but when I get lost in my night terrors, there’s no way to find him. I padded through the halls to Cora’s bedroom, not bothering to tap on the door before entering.
She stirred as I climbed into bed with her, moaning sleepily. “Ella?”
“Can I sleep with you?” I asked, snuggling up to her and sighing as her arms came around me.
“Of course,” she agreed without hesitation. “Though I’m surprised you don’t want to be in your nest.”
“Well, I do,” I confessed. “I just want to be alone less.”
“Bad dreams?” she guessed, only too familiar with the phenomenon. I nodded pitifully, and she took me by the hand. “Come on, then.”
Philippe rolled his eyes when the door opened again and a bleary-eyed Cora led me back to my room.
I didn’t complain when she directed me back into my own bed and climbed in with me, and she didn’t bat an eye when I turned on Sinclair’s purrs. “Thank you,” I murmured against her hair. “I needed this.”
I caught my sister smiling out of the corner of my eye, and I nudged her. “What?”
“It’s just… this is nice,” Cora replied softly. “I mean, I’m not happy you’re having nightmares, I just like being the one to comfort you for once.”
“You comfort me all the time,” I informed her defiantly.
“Not like this,” she murmured. “You were always the one to scare away the monsters in our closet.”
“Yeah, well, the monsters aren’t staying in the closet anymore,” I confessed miserably.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Cora inquired. I shook my head. I caught a note of exasperation in her voice. “You don’t always have to be such a martyr, Ella. Suffering in silence doesn’t help anyone, least of all yourself.”
My muscles stiffened. “Is that what you think? That I enjoy playing the martyr? Sacrificing myself to fulfill some self-righteous hero complex?”
“No, I know that’s not the reason,” she answered apologetically. “But whatever your motives, you do have a habit of hogging all the worst things in life for yourself. You always have.”
There was an ironic note in her voice which told me that she didn’t resent me for it, at least, not the way she had the last time we talked about this.
“You’re my sister; it’s my job to hog the suffering to spare you.”
“But I’m older; I’m supposed to be the one looking out for you. Do you have any idea how much I hated myself when we were growing up, how much I still do, because I wasn’t strong enough to take care of you?” I suspected Cora had done a lot of thinking since our fight earlier this year, because rather than accusing me of making her weak by coddling her, she was admitting that those feelings came from a place of self-doubt.
“It didn’t matter that you were older. I’m a wolf,” I argued.
“So what, you age in dog years?” she jibed.
…
“No… I just… I was able to survive things you couldn’t…” I didn’t add that I may have been destined to, as well, the way things have been going with my hypnosis.
“But you lost your wolf,” Cora declared, surprising me. “Do you think I didn’t know? It’s all over the palace, Ella.”
“I know that now… then all I knew was that I couldn’t stand to see the people I love hurt… I still can’t,” I mused aloud.
“It’s not a bad thing to be selfish sometimes, Ella, to put yourself first every now and then. In fact, it’s called self-care,” Cora stated, rubbing my back.
“I’ve been plenty selfish lately,” I confessed, thinking of my behavior with Sinclair, and even my thoughtlessness about the human impact of our war, my failure to see how this tumult was affecting Cora. “And part of me enjoyed it, having someone who made me feel safe enough to explore all the things I never had a chance to be growing up. Dominic has never faulted me—not at my brattiest or most needy; he guided me through it all with utter patience. But I think the time for that has passed,” I concluded, clamping my eyes shut. “I have a baby on the way, and an entire pack looking to me as a leader now.”
“But why does that mean you have to hurt yourself?” Cora inquired. “Why does that mean you have to suffer?”
“Because everyone is suffering right now, and I’m not special because I have a powerful mate… if the people suffer, I suffer,” I explained logically.
“That’s all well and good, very noble,” Cora assessed. “But how are you supposed to lead them if you’re a basket case?”
“I won’t be permanently,” I reasoned. “Dominic will be back in a few weeks, and then I’ll feel better.”
“This is about so much more than Dominic, Ella.” Cora exhaled heavily. “Feeling safe and loved is important. But it can’t fix everything you’re learning in these sessions; it can’t erase everything you’ve repressed. Only you can do that. You can’t keep running from the past and pretending like everything is fine—mark my words, it will catch up to you.”
I looked up at her in surprise because I hadn’t shared anything about my hypnosis sessions with her, and as far as anyone knows, there has only been one session. “Did Roger say something?”
“No, you silly thing,” Cora scoffed. “I’m your sister; I know how you operate.”
“Right,” I chuckled humorlessly. “Silly me.”
There was a pregnant pause, and then she asked, “Are you sure you aren’t doing all this to punish yourself?”
“No… I’m not sure of anything,” I murmured. “Not anymore. I don’t even know who I am.”
“You’ve never known that,” Cora teased, kissing my cheek.
“Even a penniless orphan is an identity,” I replied. “I can’t even fall back on that anymore.”
“Poor darling,” Cora crooned. “You know, if you want to complain about possibly finding out who you are after a lifetime of questions, you might want to do it to someone who isn’t bound to die an orphan with all of theirs unanswered.”
“Fair point,” I giggled, squeezing her. We lay like that for a little while longer, our thoughts spinning with all the challenges facing us. Though Cora hadn’t said it this evening, I knew she felt as overwhelmed as I did. “What are we going to do, Cora? Everything’s such a mess.”
“We’re together; that’s all that matters,” she said, echoing the words I’d used to comfort her a thousand times before. “You and I can get through anything; we had a lifetime of practice, remember?”
“I love you,” I professed gratefully.
“I love you too, now try to get some sleep,” Cora advised. “Things always look better in the morning.”