It is there or tears. I don't want to try when the clock strikes midnight. It would be a new day, and I am sure it can't be any worse than today.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Six: I Could Have Handled It Better – 1

I shouldn't have left like I did. I should have stayed. No, what I should have done was not make the damn suggestion in the first place. I need to learn to keep my damn mouth shut.

I don’t take rejection well. I can't help but question our relationship. Are we not on the same page? I honestly believed we were. No, we haven't been together long, but everything about us seems right, so what should it matter? Unless that is only me who believes that. She is pissed at me by the sound of the voicemail she left me. I am the one who has the right to be mad. She must have known how hard that was for me. Never in my life have I asked a woman to move in with me.

A part of me wanted to reach out, but I decided not to. Instead, I chose to sit in the dark and drink. It isn't the best way to deal with it. I am not only annoyed but embarrassed, too. I am not ready to face her.

I do my second double scotch and take a third. Why did she say no? Would she have reacted differently if I told her I loved her? Could that be why she didn’t want to? Or maybe my first thought was correct, and we aren’t on the same page.

I groan in frustration. What does Alyssa need and want from me? I am nowhere near ready to share those three words; I don't know when I will be. I have never said "I love you" to anyone and meant it. Have I used them to get what I want? Yes, it is something I am not proud of. I would never do that with Alyssa. I don't know what my next move should be.

I finish my drink and reach for my cell. I open a new text to Alyssa, staring at the black screen. How do I even start it? I stare at it for a while and give up. I toss it aside. I can deal with it at work tomorrow if she shows up. I won’t get into it with her at the office, but we can talk. I don't want everyone to know our business. It has nothing to do with them.

I may call my mother in the morning to meet for breakfast and get some advice. She will lecture me because of how I handled the situation. I reach for another drink but change my mind. Water and sleep are the better idea. It is getting late. If I get some sleep, anyway. There is a good chance I won't since Alyssa isn't here with me.

I pull myself from the sofa, grabbing a bottle of water before I head upstairs to my bedroom. I hate it when Alyssa isn’t here. My house feels big and empty without her. Her moving in would solve that. I crawl into bed, glancing over at the other side and sigh. She should be here. She would have been if I handled things differently.

I uncurl my back, looking up at the ceiling. It is going to be a long night. I will get annoyed easily and end up getting out of bed. The temptation to go to Alyssa’s place will be strong, but I won’t. She is mad, and I am trying to adjust to the rejection. I wouldn’t want us to end up arguing. I don’t want that; I am sure she doesn’t either.

Why the fuck did I leave? She tried to tell me the reason, but I didn’t give her a chance to explain. She probably feels like I dismissed her feelings and emotions. She deserves me to be the type of man who doesn’t do that. I toss and turn, trying to get comfortable, but fail.

I give up! I climb out of bed. A session in my gym may help calm me down and tire me out. I would go for a run, but I won’t because I have been drinking. Working out at home seems like the safer option. I won’t use some of the equipment while under the influence.

I change into my workout clothes. A couple of hours will hopefully tire me out. I will keep going until I exhaust myself. I say to exhaust myself, but I sometimes view it as self-punishment. It replaced my drug use a few years ago.