Chapter 445: To Experience and Feel

Susan tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Images of Manuel and a half-naked Martina filled her mind. She couldn't shake the image. She'd always found it hard to believe Manuel would readily accept other women. He'd refused all suitors in high school and remained single despite numerous advances from beautiful women abroad. She'd thought he might love her.

Now, she felt she'd worried excessively. No one loved without regret, and she didn't want that for him. Despite her resolve to divorce him, a lingering guilt remained. She believed her greatest regret would be failing to protect their child—a burden she anticipated carrying for life. She wondered how long letting go would take.

Unable to sleep, Susan sat up, instinctively reaching for the phone to call Hannah. No matter her troubles, Hannah was always her first recourse.

Fortunately, Hannah answered despite the late hour.

"Aren't you asleep?" Hannah's voice held a hint of reproach, though Susan sensed underlying concern.

"I can't sleep."

"You can't sleep? That's unusual." Hannah sat up, rousing herself. Susan wasn't one to disregard others' feelings; Hannah knew there must be a reason for this late-night call.

"I'm not heartless."

Hannah smiled. "Tell me, what's bothering you?"

"I don't know."

"Be honest." Hannah's tone was serious.

Susan pursed her lips. She knew she couldn't hide anything from Hannah. "I finalized my divorce today."

"Do you regret it?"

"No," Susan retorted. "Afterwards, I went to retrieve my belongings from his house."

"He wouldn't let you?"

"No!" Susan's voice rose. "Just listen!"

"Okay, go ahead."

"I asked Henry to come with me, but he stayed downstairs. I didn't want to stress him out seeing the house, so I went up alone. I didn't even knock; I just used the code. Do you know what I saw?"

"Weren't you going to let me finish?" Hannah interrupted.

Susan rolled her eyes.

"Martina and him, in the living room. She was half-naked, on top of him. They seemed to…" Susan trailed off.

"So, you're jealous?" Hannah raised an eyebrow.

"No, I'm not! What are you talking about? I'm just sharing, it was shocking. I'm gossiping!" Susan's voice was excited, a telltale sign of defensiveness, which Hannah recognized but chose to ignore. She didn't want to upset Susan.

Since the divorce was finalized and Manuel had complied, there was no need to dwell on their reunion.

Hannah said, "Susan, I've told you before, feelings can be brutally disappointing. Once someone's hurt and chooses to let go, they become strangers. Manuel is that way. He's reserved, keeps things to himself, but he knows what he wants and maintains order in his life. He's disciplined."

Susan pursed her lips. She knew he was restrained.

"Once he makes a decision, once he chooses to let go, he does it completely. To put it bluntly, by divorcing you, he ended his affection. His willingness to see other women shows he's moved on and given himself a chance to start over," Hannah continued. "Susan, marriage and feelings are things you must experience and feel personally. No matter what I say, ultimately, you are the one who experiences and feels. If you're unhappy, you must bear it. Because Manuel has left your world."

"I don't regret it," Susan stubbornly insisted.

Perhaps she wouldn't allow herself to acknowledge any regrets. She still believed her love belonged to Henry, not Manuel. Otherwise, why had she fallen for Henry so readily after meeting Manuel? She loved Henry more, she told herself.

This self-deception irked her. The thought of Manuel with Martina so soon made her sick.

"Forget it. It's late. Get some rest. I have to work tomorrow." Hannah tried to end the call.

"Me too," Susan replied.

"Are you over it?"

"No. It's my father. I need to work, or I won't get a penny. I have no choice." Susan's anger flared at the thought of her father.

"Your father loves you, you'll see."

"I don't want to," Susan huffed. She knew her father loved her, but she couldn't let go of the past.

"Well, try to sleep."

"Okay, bye." Susan hung up, still awake. She tucked herself in and forced herself to sleep.

…

On the other side, Hannah also lay awake. Susan's late-night call had been unsettling. She checked the time, then hesitated before calling Oscar. He answered immediately, within three seconds—a consistent pattern that had, oddly, become a source of comfort.