Chapter 189

The knock on the door has the two of us jumping apart. I stared up at him with wide eyes. What the fuck was that? Was he toying with me now? I shook my head to clear the muddled thoughts racing through my mind. I needed to take a few steps back, but the counter was behind me. I wanted to push him away, but I knew if I touched him, I would fall apart. I would jump into his arms and I would allow him to walk all over my heart like I did with Brandon.

He isn’t him, Megan’s soft voice countered my inner thoughts. He is nice, and just, and—

And not mine, I stopped her. If I allow myself to think about him in any other way, I think I will shatter this time. He might not be Brandon, but I never really liked him as a person. I loved him as my mate because we were destined to be together, as the moon goddess intended, but I never viewed him as a friend, a partner, someone I could grow with. I felt the burn of tears. I can see that with Rowan.

Then why not? Nix’s voice was softer than I had ever heard her. Why not see where this could go?

Because. I looked up into his eyes that were searching mine. Because he doesn’t actually want me. I have to be smarter than I was in my last life. We need to be smarter. I coughed as I realized we were just staring at each other. “I should get that.” I looked away as I reached back to turn off the water. I trailed against the cupboards, trying my best not to touch him, but his eyes trailed me the entire time. I rounded the corner and wiped away the tear that finally fell as I straightened my shoulders.

“Yeah. Sure.” Rowan’s voice trailed me, and I closed my eyes for a second, leaning against the wall to collect myself. But I didn’t have long as the knock sounded again, and I could hear the faint sniffles coming from my mother. I think Rowan heard her too. His voice came closer. “I should actually get going.” I felt a punch to my gut, but I shook it off. This was for the best. This is what I needed.

“Of course.” I smiled as he rounded the corner. He stared at my face for a second too long, and I knew he probably caught the slight redness in my eyes from fighting the tears. I coughed again and turned back to the door. “Thank you for coming. I appreciated the backup when talking to everyone. You aren’t mad that I told them? That I’m going to tell my mother?”

“No.” Rowan’s voice was soft. I felt a slight breeze near my shoulder, and I closed my eyes. Please, goddess, don’t let him touch me, I prayed. “I won’t be around, and I want you to have people you can trust around you.”

“Good.” I smiled. “Thank you for the apartment. It is amazing.” I smiled over my shoulder.

“No worries.” Rowan ran a hand through his hair. “Amy?” I could tell he wanted to discuss it, but I cut my eyes away before he caught the sheen of tears in my eyes.

Please don’t, I begged. Not right now. “Yeah?” I turned as we reached the door.

“Nothing.” His eyes cut away as he tucked his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. “I’m heading back out tonight, and I don’t know when I will get to see you next.”

“Oh.” I felt hollow as his words hit me like physical blows. I understand. You are the king.

He nodded. “And from the looks of what happened today, I have a lot of things I need to clean up.” He closed his eyes. “About today...”

“Don’t even worry about it. It’s my fault.” I smiled up at him and opened the door, effectively cutting off any conversation we would have had. I don’t think I would survive him telling me he couldn’t or wouldn’t be with me.

He is not your mate. He is not your mate. I ran the words through my mind on repeat. The tears were getting closer to spilling over, and I really didn’t want him here to witness it.

“Baby.” My mom’s voice broke the tension, and we both turned to face her. Her dark brown hair was a mess, her face swollen and red from her sobs. Her eyes shifted to her wolves, and I knew she was about to break apart.

“He…” She stumbled over her words when she saw Rowan, but her grief won out. “He’s gone baby. Your dad is gone.” She practically ran into my arms, and as I wrapped my arms around her waist, she shattered.