Chapter 439

“What the fuck…” I felt like my world was crashing down on me. My head was full of his words, and I was confused about how we even got here. I turned to face Sterling, and he was clearly avoiding my gaze. “Sterling.”

He looked over at me finally, and I could see the truth behind his eyes. “Yeah?”

“Have you read any of these?” I dropped the letter into the box. My gaze fell back to the box between my feet, and I counted over fifty letters… maybe more. “How long has he been sending these?”

Sterling closed his eyes for a second, like he was trying to come up with an answer that wouldn’t break me. His hand tightened on the steering wheel. “No, like I said, I haven’t read anything that was sent to you.” He swallowed. “They were meant for your eyes only, and even if we couldn’t give them to you, we weren’t going to invade your and Rowan’s privacy.”

I felt my eyes tighten. “But?”

He sighed. “But I saw him whenever he dropped off the letters. He was becoming more and more desperate for you to answer.” He looked like he might get sick. “I wanted to tell him about the fact you weren’t answering because you didn’t know, but I couldn’t.”

I settled a little. I could hear the pain in his voice. “You’re feeling guilty?” I asked, but I already knew the answer.

He nodded. “Goddess, yes.” He glanced at me. “You don’t understand.” His hands flexed, and I could tell he was becoming frustrated.

“Then explain it to me, because I’m pretty lost right now.” I looked down at the letters. “I don’t even know why or when they started. And by the looks of it, he sent quite a few.” I bent down and tried to count them. “How many are even here?”

I heard Sterling swallow again. “Over seventy.”

I snapped up. “What?”

“Rowan sent you a letter every week since your heat.” He looked out the windshield, avoiding my gaze. “I lost track after seventy.” He looked away. “That’s a lie.” He wiped his face on his shoulder. “I stopped counting because every day I saw the pile grow bigger, the guiltier I felt.”

I sighed as I looked down. I grabbed another letter and noticed there was a tiny number on the top of this one. Fifty-six. I dropped it and grabbed another. Thirty-five. “The numbers?”

His eyes darted to the letter in my hands. “A system Jora came up with after the second letter.” He squeezed the wheel. “He thought that if we ever got to give them to you, this way you could keep track of their order. So, anytime he gave us a letter for you, we numbered it and dropped it into a pile. Once the pile got too big for the drawer, we dumped them into a box.” He looked down at the box between my legs. “We upgraded to the bigger box a few months ago. We thought he was going to keep sending them…”

He trailed off as he looked at the open letter on top.

“But then he stopped.” My throat hurt. I sat back and felt the truth cascade down on top of me. My heart felt like my ribs were crushing it. Everything grew blurry, and my breathing became labored.

“Yeah.” His voice was so far away I barely heard him.

My mind flashed back to the night Carl died. Rowan kneeling in the dirt and blood. Hurt and bleeding from the fighting, but still he stared at me. I felt the cold take over my body as I remembered his eyes begging me. ‘Let me explain.’ But I didn’t let him, did I? I looked down at the letter and the truth hit me.

I was mad because he was supposed to wait for me. My eyes snagged on the bottom line: Remember, I love you and only you. My heart squeezed. He had waited. The sob broke free faster than I thought. Sterling’s head snapped toward me, but then he turned away, leaving me alone with my pain.

“This can’t be happening.” My voice was ragged as another sob broke free. I smacked my hand over my mouth to stop another from breaking free. I needed to wait. I couldn’t break down yet.

Oh goddess, what have I done?

“I’m sorry.” Sterling’s voice was soft as he slid one of his hands off the wheel and wrapped his fingers through mine. “I’m sorry I had to keep this from you.”

I sniffled as I chuckled. “This wasn’t your fault. You had no choice.” I felt him squeeze my fingers. “My father made sure of that.”

He sighed. “I know. But I’m still sorry. And believe me, I’ll be going to tell Rowan as soon as I drop you off.”

“Please don’t.” I pulled his hand.