Chapter 160: I Envisioned Fucking You

Why was Donald asking me these questions? I didn’t talk about Matt; I never talked to anyone about Matt. So what did he see that made him ask? Yes, I had feelings for Matt once, years ago when I was still figuring out my feelings towards men. So I tried to get close to him by asking him to teach me self-defense, which led to full-fledged training. I pushed myself hard to impress him and, in all honesty, I began to love it.

Matt didn’t know about the silly crush I had on him; no one knows. Not even my twin sister, and she knew everything about me. So how did Donald pick up on this after years of me keeping it a secret? I looked at him.

“Why are you asking these questions?” I immediately regretted saying that, judging by the expression that crossed his face. He didn’t respond right away, so I turned back to packing my bag.

“It’s not like you to keep stuff from me, so I guess that answers my question,” he said in a tone that caught me off guard. Was that fucking jealous in his tone?

“There is nothing to keep from you,” I said, looking up at him as he stood up. He raised one perfectly arched eyebrow.

“I don’t understand why the fuck you are lying to me right now,” he muttered in a tone I have never heard before.

I didn’t think I had seen him upset at me, and I didn’t particularly like it. I would rather not tell him about Matt, probably more so because I was embarrassed about it, but also because it didn’t matter.

“I am coming, sir. I will meet you at the hotel,” he said gruffly, grabbing his bag and walking towards the door.

“Donald, I don’t know why you are upset?” I said softly, and he spun around.

“Tuck the bullshit, Justin. You have never lied to me before, and it’s just not shit I want to deal with right now, especially about another man,” he said, hurt in his voice.

It hit me all at once: Carul. I opened my mouth, but he put a hand up, silencing me.

“I will see you guys at the hotel,” he said and then left.

Fucking hell! In the one minute it took me to chase after him, he was gone. Matt was in the garage and had a weird look on his face.

“What just happened? Donald just stabbed me with the look he gave me,” he said, leaning against my car and sighed.

“I just passed him off in the worst way,” I said quietly, turning back to the house.

I heard footsteps following me back inside. I tried to call him, but it went straight to voicemail. I tossed the phone down on the kitchen island.

“Fucking hell, are you all tracking him?” I asked, and he gave me an insal nod, but I knew he wasn’t going to help me with this.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked with the most bored expression on his face that made me chuckle bitterly.

“You don’t want to talk about stuff like this,” I said, and he snorted.

“I am learning to,” he replied in the most sincere tone, and it made me look at him. I know over the last few weeks things have changed between him and Jocelyn; maybe he was finally letting people in.

“Thank you for the offer, but I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Does it have something to do with me?” He pushed, and I furrowed my brow.

“Why would it?” I asked. I pulled water out of the fridge and took a long sip. Thankfully, it was still cold.

“So yes, was it about that crush you had on me a few years back?” He asked, and I choked, my cheeks heated.

“You honestly think I don’t know? I read people for a fucking living, Justin.”

I couldn’t look at him; I wanted to sink into a fucking hole and disappear. My carefully wrapped secret was not a secret anymore, possibly it never was. I felt him come closer until I could see him in my peripheral vision. If this was a couple of years ago, I would melt at how close he was, but all romantic feelings I had towards him have long dissolved.

“Honestly, I thought about it. Don’t hate me for saying this, I envisioned fucking you many times. In so many fucking glorious ways, especially when we were alone. You were hot as fuck, and you know that and don’t think for a minute that I didn’t. But honestly, with the attraction, I knew I couldn’t give you what you wanted because I have been in love with Jocelyn from day one. I didn’t know I was capable of loving more than one person until now,” I looked at him, shocked by his words.

He had wanted me; I was stupid for feeling that pull. Relief swept through me. I know he was right. There would have been nothing more than physical satisfaction, and it was probably good neither of us acted on the lust.

“Honestly, I have felt stupid the past four years every time I think about it,” I said quietly, finally looking at him in the almost completely dark kitchen, and he smiled.

He said with a laugh, and I nodded.

“If you had acted on it, I probably wouldn’t have rejected you, but honestly, this would be so awkward right now if you had.” He paused.

“Donald keeps things like this from him; he loves you. I can see it every time he looks at you. Love like this is rare because he had been hurt in the past by love. Anytime someone is hurt by past love, when they find new love, it is so much more special. Because they opened up themselves to the possibilities of getting hurt, that is how much they knew they couldn’t be without you.” He said so softly.

It was so quiet in the house; I probably wouldn’t have heard him. He was right; Donald dealt with so much before meeting me, but he never once hesitated when it came to showing how much he loved me.

“You sound as if you are speaking from experience,” I said, clearly the tears I began to feel rolled down my face.

“I have two amazing people who I love and who both have been hurt in the past. So I learn and experience something new every day,” he said without hesitation, and I fully turned to him.

“Two? I only knew about Jocelyn, but who else?” I asked, shocked by this revelation. He chuckled, and I could see the twinkle in his eyes.

“When the time comes, you will know,” he said.

“Come on, let’s get out of the dark.”