Chapter 448

I stood up and went into the bathroom to take a shower. I needed a minute away from his words, his truths. They were ripping my heart open. I read letter after letter, and it was like watching a car crash, but in slow motion. His letters were taking on a slight desperation now. And even though I had never seen them before, I felt guilty because it was my fault. I wasn’t answering, and he was spiraling because of it.

I pressed my head against the cold glass. The hot water was pounding against my back, but my mind was still stuck on the letters. His sadness. Our missed connection.

"Missed connection?"

Nix was pressed against the barrier, as was Megan. They hadn’t left my side since I started in on the pile. They seemed to know more than they let on.

She means they had a chance, but they both messed it up. Megan answered Nix as I sunk lower into the dread in my belly.

“Did you two know?” I whispered my question to my wolves. I needed to know how clueless I was.

Both of my wolves turned to face me. Nix gave a slow blink, and Megan looked away. A new pit opened up in my stomach. “Amy…” Nix started, but I felt my body shudder. She stopped, but I felt her sorrow hit me. “Amy, it isn’t like what you are thinking.”

“I’m thinking that Erubus told you two about how Rowan was feeling, but you kept it to yourself.” I sagged against the wall.

Megan ran her side against the barrier to calm me down. “Not exactly. He did his best to stay away from speaking about Rowan, but we figured something like this happened.”

I dropped to my knees and allowed the water to run over me. “Something like this?” I choked.

“Not the letters—we would have told you—but we assumed he hadn’t been completely honest about his feelings for you.”

I sighed. At least they hadn’t held that from me. I was already feeling quite betrayed by my dad, my wolves…pretty much everyone. But if I found out they had purposefully hid the letters from me, I think that would have broken me fully.

I lost track of the time I spent under the water. It took much longer than I would like to admit. But I needed the shower to piece myself back together. Once I stepped out, I would be strong again, but right this second, I needed a minute where I could break down.

“You’re allowed to be vulnerable, Amy," Megan sighed.

But Nix was already shaking her head. "She can’t."

I just curled over my knees and allowed Nix to explain it. Nix straightened and turned. "Alphas, especially female alphas, need to be strong. Stronger than their males because we get attacked so often. With us in here, she can be like this. But out in the world, she has to be strong, so she doesn’t open herself up to nonstop challenges."

Megan turned to look between the two of us. “Are you serious?”

Nix leveled her with a look. "If you use your head, you would realize I’m right. The whole reason for a gamma to watch the luna is because…?"

Because lunas are targeted a lot. Megan finished.

Nix nodded. "Why is that?"

"Because wolves don’t understand that luna is not an earned position. It is a selected position in the pack. So if there is a wolf who feels like they could win in a fight against the luna, they challenge her, and the gammas step in."

"Exactly." Nix nodded. "It’s the same thing. Mate or not, Amy is an alpha. And wolves will automatically think they can challenge her. For bragging rights or just to feel superior." Nix stopped. "Now we both know Amy doesn’t have to worry, she is strong enough to protect herself. But she shouldn’t have to. She should be strong enough that other wolves are too afraid to challenge her."

"She is," Megan cut in.

"Not if she shows this in front of the wrong person." Nix turned back to me. "Her friends, her family, it’s fine, but if the wrong person sees this, she will be battling for her life every day."

Megan sighed. "And all it takes is one mistake."

Nix nodded again. "Exactly."

My wolves sat back and watched me fall apart. Then, when I had finished crying, I stood, finished my shower, and got out. “What are you doing now?” Nix’s question was soft.

“I’m going to grab a bottle of wine, and I’m going to come back here and finish the letters.” I slid my feet into my slippers and opened the door to find my mom about to knock. “Mom?”

She looked down at the tray in her arms. “I heard you crying. I figured you might need some wine, a snack, and a listening ear.”