Chapter 168: Going to Bed Angry

Ella

After dinner with Cora, I visited the Palace library, searching for any excuse to avoid Sinclair while I processed my feelings. My sister's troubles with Roger offered some distraction, but I wasn't sure a distraction was what I needed. My anger and frustration with my mate hadn't lessened, and I hadn't had a chance to think about our conversation in depth.

I browsed the bookshelves absentmindedly, more caught up in my thoughts than in the selection. Eventually, I spotted a Vanaran history book on the top shelf, piquing my curiosity. I longed to learn more about this mysterious territory, but it was too high, and there wasn't a ladder in sight. If my mate were here, he could easily reach it for me, but he wasn't.

And he wasn't going to be. My wolf pouted. He's leaving, and we're going to have to get used to doing things on our own again.

Part of me felt ashamed at having become so reliant on a man. I'd spent my life taking care of myself and others, and it suddenly felt ridiculous to need someone else to solve this problem. Licking my lips, I quickly assessed the shelves and looked for a chair.

Finding a plush armchair, I pulled it to the bookshelf and climbed onto it, kneeling on the cushioned seat. Ensuring I was steady, I slowly got my feet underneath me, but this still wasn't high enough to reach the top shelf. Testing one foot on the armrest, I determined the chair wouldn't topple under my weight. Stretching as far as I could, my fingertips only grazed the book's spine, and I huffed in frustration.

Keeping one foot on the armrest and the other on a shelf, I pushed myself up to grasp the book. Just as my fingers closed around the old leather cover, a thundering voice shattered the silence.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Dominic demanded, his disapproval hitting me hard.

Yelping in surprise, I lost my balance and began to fall backward. I tried to hang on, but my fingers slipped. I used my free arm to cradle my belly as I fell. I saw a blur of motion, and strong arms suddenly caught me. Gasping for air, I looked up at my mate with relief, quickly replaced by outrage. "Why would you startle me like that!" I exclaimed, swatting his chest.

Sinclair's foreboding gaze bored into me, and I felt the weight of his simmering temper. "Is that really what you want to say to me right now?" he inquired ominously, his concern evident even as Alpha authority surged through our bond, chastising me. "Goddess, Ella. Were you trying to break your neck?"

"I would have been fine if you hadn't snuck up on me!" I argued, trying to wriggle free. He simply held me tighter.

"You have no business climbing anything, especially alone. That chair could have toppled, or you could have simply lost your balance. You risked yourself and the pup," he lectured, carrying me toward our room.

Guilt washed over me, not for myself, but for my baby. The last thing I wanted was to risk Rafe. I rubbed my belly, trying to sense his mood. I felt pulses of uncertainty, but not from any harm I'd inflicted. He was simply reacting to my guilt and Sinclair's anger. "I'm sorry," I answered hoarsely, unsure if I was apologizing to my pup or my mate. "I wasn't thinking; I just wanted a book."

Sinclair rumbled wordlessly, a note of suspicion in his growl. "Are you sure about that? Are you sure you weren't trying to get back at me for leaving you behind?"

"What, by injuring myself?" I scoffed, finding the suggestion preposterous, though I knew he wasn't entirely wrong.

"No," Sinclair corrected sternly. "But you warned me your wolf wouldn't obey anyone but me. Maybe this was your way of proving it—making me think you'll get into too much mischief without me."

Maybe it's not too late to change his mind, my sly wolf pondered. She had a point, but that wasn't what happened, and Sinclair would know if I lied.

"I didn't even know you were there," I reminded him sulkily. "And not everything is about you, Dominic," I added spitefully, trying to quell the tangled emotions rising within me. I felt all over the place, my moods swinging between sadness, worry, anger, and resentment, muddying my mental state.

As if to prove how hormonal I was, my irritation shifted to regret and guilt at Sinclair's displeasure. Is there a worse feeling than your mate's anger and disappointment?

I didn't realize I'd sent the question through our bond until Sinclair's wolf replied: How do you think I feel? His arms tightened. But there is a worse feeling—failing to protect them when they need you.

My heart softened, especially sensing his distress at my unhappiness. My guilt intensified, and tears burned in my eyes. I felt overwhelmed and couldn't articulate my feelings. I also didn't want chaotic emotions to reach him through the bond, so I erected a mental wall.

Sinclair frowned, disliking my withdrawal. Still, he didn't complain, and when we reached our room, he asked, "If it wasn't about me, then what was it?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I sniffled, wallowing in self-pity. "I just want to go to bed."

Sinclair moved to the sitting area, settling on the couch and seating me in his lap.

"We're not going to bed angry, little wolf," he said, firm but gentle.

"But I want to be angry with you," I retorted petulantly, aware of how childish I sounded and not caring. "It's your fault I've become so needy and dependent. I used to do everything myself, and now I can't even get a book without help."

"Mmm," Sinclair purred sympathetically. "And my departure has thrown that into perspective, has it?" He nodded. "I hate to say it, but that still sounds like it's about me, trouble."

"I said I don't want to talk about it," I repeated stubbornly, trying to get up.

To my surprise, he let me stand, but once I was on my feet, he trapped me between his legs, his hands on my hips. "Ella, I'm leaving the day after tomorrow."

My knees wobbled. "So soon?"

"There isn't any time to waste," he confirmed gravely. "And I don't want to go without settling things between us. I know you want to prove you can handle the challenges of being a Luna, but that's obviously not everything." He assessed me shrewdly, softening as he stroked my hair. "I can't make it better if you don't tell me what's bothering you, baby."

Looking into his deep green eyes, I felt lost. A contrary part of me didn't want him to fix anything. If I asked him, I'd be relying on him again.

I didn't know what to do; there was no right answer. If I stayed, I'd be alone, facing only the challenge of getting through the day without my mate. If I went with him, I might prove myself, but I'd also be in the safe cocoon of his protection. Which was worse?

"This isn't going to get better, Dominic," I finally replied, hugging myself. "I don't want you to go without me. I'm no use to you or the pack if I'm here alone." I took a shaky breath. "And it does scare me to realize how much I need you, but not only because it makes me feel vulnerable, but because you're running into danger, and I'm terrified that if something happens and I'm not with you…" I trailed off, unable to articulate my emotions.

Sinclair exhaled deeply and stood, his thumb brushing my cheek. "And that's what I'm afraid of," he admitted. "If something happens to me, I want you as far away from that danger as possible."

I gnawed on my lip, tears welling. "Then there's really no way I can change your mind?" "No, Ella," Sinclair confirmed. "My mind is made up." He towered over me, his wolf flashing in his eyes. "Now, about this bookcase climbing business…"