Chapter 446

Nix sank to the ground. I could see she was sad, but she kept it in. Then we do exactly as we said. We stay out of it and support her like she did us. And we mate whoever she wants to mate. The words hurt my heart to hear, but it settled me a little.

We will figure it all out together. I finished the steps and crawled into my bed, the softness of the bed calling to me to snuggle in and sleep. I was still tired from being captive, but instead of pulling the covers up, I crawled across it and grabbed the box. I sat against the headboard and then I dumped the letters into the bed.

“First things first,” I muttered to myself as I pulled letters and started to organize them by number.

“What are you doing?” Nix pushed closer to the barrier.

“I’m organizing them so I know what order they came in.”

“Why do you need to read them in order?” Megan asked. “It’s all the same information, right?”

“Yeah. It is, but I want to know what order they come in.”

“But why?” Nix asked again. “It won’t change anything.”

“No. But it will give me a timeline.” I sighed as I finished the stack. “I’ll be able to see what he sent and when.”

“And what happened around the same time?” Nix asked.

“Exactly.” I grabbed the first letter. “It will show me if it is all just a game to him…”

“Or if he is sincere,” Megan finished, and I just nodded.

I took a deep breath before I opened the first letter, and I could barely make out the words, I was shaking so hard. Nix and Megan both pushed forward, joining with me to calm myself. Nix’s voice whispered through my head, “We are in this together.”

Megan’s soft voice calmed my pounding heart. “We are with you. No matter what happens.” I nodded again. I closed my eyes and took a few calming breaths and then I held the letter steadier, and began to read.

Amy,

What can I say that will take the pain away? Absolutely nothing. I know I ripped your heart out when I left you there. You were begging me to help you, ease your burning need, and I wish to the goddess that I was a stronger man. But I am weak.

I knew that if I helped you today that I wouldn’t have been able to stop. Your kiss alone drives me up the wall, and if I had the chance to get my lips on your body, I would have broken both of our vows to wait for our mates. I crave you like chocolate. Like air. I need to kiss your lips, to touch your skin. And I knew that if I allowed myself to cross that last step… if I had taken you into my arms… I would not have had the strength in me to let you go.

I need you to know that I did not turn away from you because I did not want you, but because I knew that you would have resented me. If not today, tomorrow. Or maybe years from now if you ever found your true mate, and it was not me. You would have resented me for taking that gift away from you.

I would not, could not, survive if you ended up hating me. I think my soul would cleave in half.

My wolf and I are at an impasse. He has become entranced by a she-wolf that runs through the woods by the university, but I am so wrapped up in you. If it was just me, alone in my body, I would have chosen you the first day I saw you in class.

You took my breath away. You were so confident. So funny. I was gone before class was over. But I tried to hold back because I was your teacher. But even I failed at that.

Your soul calls to mine. If only our wolves felt the same way.

Please understand.

Rowan.

I sat back and let the letter flutter to my lap. I hadn’t realized I was even crying until the first tear fell off my chin onto the paper.

“Well, fuck.” Nix’s words were soft, but full of emotion.

I hit my head against the wall, letting the tears come. “Yeah,” I choked out before the sobs came. My soul was ripping in two, and this was just the second letter. “How am I supposed to read all of these?”

My question hung in the air, but it was Megan’s calm voice that pulled me back from the brink. “We have to read them, Amy. We have to face them because Rowan took the time to write them all. You are being ripped apart from reading them, but from the sounds of these letters… he was ripped apart writing them.”