Megan stared at me for a second before nodding. She ran to the clearing, and I heard the telltale sound of a vacuum. I shut my eyes, banging my head against the tree, whispering, “So fucking stupid.” Tears burned behind my eyes. I pushed up, whirled to face the tree, and punched it repeatedly, screaming my anger. “So fucking stupid.” Megan approached as I pummeled the tree. “Amy?”
I continued hitting the tree. It never splintered, never broke, infuriating me further. “FUCK YOU!” I punched harder, waiting for blood, for pain, but nothing came.
“It won’t,” Megan called out.
I whirled. “WHAT?”
“The pain… it won’t happen,” Megan nodded toward the tree. “That tree isn’t real, Amy.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I dropped my hands. My chest heaved from attacking the tree.
Megan stared at me. “You’re mad.” She moved closer, her words disorienting me.
“Of course I’m mad,” I shook my head. “But what does that have to do with anything?”
“Your dad betrayed your trust. So did your mom.” She changed the subject, confusing my anger-addled brain. “Aren’t you?” I screamed.
She tilted her head. “Is that all you’re mad at?”
“YES!” I screamed. “I trusted them, and they played me. Everyone played me.”
She crept closer. “So you attacked the tree?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
“So?” I whirled to face her. “Why can’t I attack a tree?”
“I never said you couldn’t, but the tree you’re attacking is a figment of our imagination. The pain, the blood you’re chasing… the distraction you desperately crave… you won’t find it here.” She closed the distance. “You can’t hurt yourself. Attacking the tree won’t do anything but give you a headache.” My knees wobbled. “You won’t get the physical pain to distract you from the emotional pain you’re running from.” She pressed against my side.
My voice dropped to a whisper. “It’s not fair.”
“What’s not fair?” She licked my hand, tickling me, but I was too numb to feel it.
“He forced my mom to leave. He forced me to live without him for most of my life. He asked me to go into computer science. He told me to get close to Brandon.” A tear escaped. “I talked you into getting close to him. I had to kiss him, hold his hand, I had to treat him like he mattered, even knowing he was your mate.” I finally looked down at Megan. “And I did it because he was my father. I tortured you because he asked me to and made it seem important. But when everything happened between Rowan and me… he pretended to care that Rowan broke my heart. He shattered me, and they helped pick up the pieces. My mom held me through my pain. But within a month, my dad introduced me to Thoth.” My knees gave out. “He said Thoth could help me.” I laughed, a hollow sound. “But it was just Rowan.”
Megan pressed her face into my neck. “And that’s bad?” She pulled back, genuinely confused.
“I told him so much,” I reached for her face. “Thoth became my friend, my confidant. I told him everything…” Another tear fell. “I told him about my heat. I told him about Rowan… my pain, my love, my hate. Everything.”
She nodded. “And it turned out to be him.”
A sob broke from my chest. “I feel betrayed.”
“As you should,” Nix called back. “But I don’t think that’s why you’re this mad.”
I sighed. “Why then?”
Nix was silent. “I think you’re so mad that Thoth turned out to be Rowan not because they lied, but because you fell in love with him. The letters shifted your perspective on Rowan… but you’d fallen for Thoth, for the man he represented. He was your escape. A listening, non-judgmental ear. A friend who took the time to know you. Someone not forced on you by circumstance or bond. Someone who didn’t know you. Someone who didn’t care about our power or rank. Someone you thought cared about you. Not me, not Megan, just you.” Another sob bubbled up. “Megan got her love, even if he was a bastard. And eventually, you’ll find your mate. But Thoth was the one man who could have loved you for you… and finding out he was Rowan stole that from you.”